India Retreat #2

Thursday 5th February

As early as a 7am yoga class might sound, my usual day starts with a 6am alarm, brushing my teeth and then taking to my yoga mat. I don't normally do yoga for an hour though. I was quite nervous about the asana (physical movement) classes as I don't do a lot of asana work, especially since I stopped teaching. I've never been very flexible - on the surface a lot of people would say I'm not very "good" at yoga - so I knew that two classes a day would push me further than I have before. I also already felt that that lack of flexibility was due to me just holding a lot of mental tension in my body. I was hoping this would be the opportunity I needed to let go of a lot of things.

Almost all of my classes were to take place in Yoga Room 2 on the fourth floor. My teacher Anjali introduced herself when I arrived and that was when I found out that I was the only person on the retreat so I would get 1-to-1 tuition. It's always a good idea to book things out of season, you get the best treatment! Our Hatha class started with some pawunmuktasana, wind releasing poses. These are joint mobility poses design to crack the bubbles out of toes, ankles, knees and hips. As we moved into sun salutations, my lack of stretchiness was really starting to show. Anjali was brilliant at manually moving my body deeper into poses. Even twists, which I generally feel I can go deep into, were pulled further than I would be able to hold without assistance.

The way I hold myself back physically was a real metaphor for how I mentally hold myself back. I'm not beating myself up about that, I think we all do and I know a lot of people physically and mentally hold themselves a lot more than I do!

Breakfast was at 9am. I don't think I was ever going to get on board with mung beans for breakfast, but the porridge was good (and very popular!). It was Emma's birthday today, so I wished her a happy birthday. I didn't have anything else planned until lunch, so I took to the roof for more reading. Prior to my departure, everyone kept telling me it would be cold but I was now regretting not bringing sunscreen! 

After lunch I had my first full body Ayurvedic massage. And when I say full body, I mean FULL body. Almost nothing untouched. I soon understood why she was baffled that, as we do in the West, I would suggest she left the room while I undressed. There was no point beyond the paper panties. It was also not exactly relaxing - not as aggressive as I imagined it could be, and it was another opportunity to feel the tension that I perpetually hold in my body. She did leave the room for me to dress, and as I left she gave me a hug and kissed my forehead.

At 4pm I had my first Ashtanga class. Ashtanga yoga is hard! It's bizarre - I have built up strength through weight training over the last 15 months, but so much of that strength felt inaccessible as I felt pushed towards exhaustion. I was seriously doubting if my body could keep up with this for a whole six days.

My first sightseeing trip was in the evening, witnessing the evening Ganga Aarti ceremony. Anjali asked me if I wanted to go by bike or if I would prefer to walk and I chose to walk. It was about 30 minutes down to the Sai Ghat where the evening ceremony takes place around sunset. We took our shoes off and took a seat on the steps on the second row. The ceremony was performed by three priests who repeated a choreographed routine to a number of religious songs, with increasing vigour in the music and increasingly larger oil lamps! I didn't want to take too many photos - apart from the fact that iPhone cameras are not really made for fire and darkness pictures, I was aware that people were there to worship. The family in front of me dialling in an elderly relative on a video chat felt a little less spiritual though! Part way through, one of the smaller oil lamps was passed through the crowd. I copied those who had taken the lamp before me, circling it in the air before passing it to Anjali on my right.

When the priests had finished with the biggest oil lamp (which had about 5 flames burning in it!) an altar was set up with a Shiva figurine, and oil lamp, flowers and a donation box. I still didn't have any rupees (there was also a QR code but I couldn't get it to work). The crowd on the steps filed snake-style down to the altar and I observed what people were doing. What I found interesting was that there were various things you could do, including swiping hands over the fire and "bathing" the head in the gather energy, touching fingers to the altar and then to forehead, lips, or heart. I'm not sure exactly what I did in the end, I just let my hands instinctively go where the energy felt good. My forehead was marked with my first tilak and I was passed a handful of sugar crystals. I felt blessed.

We made it back to the Institute just in time to hear everyone singing Happy Birthday to Emma. Her husband in Italy had arrange for her to receive flowers and a cake which was absolutely lovely. She shared the cake (I was very happy about that!) and talked about if she was finding it strange to be away from home for her birthday. It's perhaps different for me living alone, I always like to be away from home on my birthday, even if I'm still on my own.

I was very tired, and despite there being a very loud party outside I still fell asleep. Over the last few months I had regularly woken at 4am, and I found that I still seemed to wake up at this time, despite the different time zone.

Friday 6th February

My morning schedule was the same as yesterday with a 7am Hatha yoga session. I woke with a headache which stayed with me all day. Anjali chose Bhramari breath, the humming bee breath for my pranayama to try to alleviate the headache and I really enjoyed the class. Maybe it was just so much easier after Ashtanga! 

After breakfast, Suraj-ji was to take me to the "secret waterfall". This was the first time I walked uphill from the Institute. It was a very warm day, Suraj-ji talked about how it was unseasonably warm it was. It was only about 45 minutes but it felt like we were walking for hours! I remembered to put my Strava on about halfway up the hill, but at a guess it was about 3km each way with an elevation of 250m. I pushed myself hard but I had to take some breaks. I felt really unfit, again like I couldn't access the strength I had, but I think it was more a lack of energy after all the travelling. I'm not a sedentary person was definitely exerting my body far more than I usually would, especially in winter.

We passed a pool which looked very inviting. I had worn my swimsuit (which was contributing to me overheating) and I could have stopped for a dip. Maybe I should have taken that opportunity but I decided to continue to the top and stop on the way back down. The waterfall itself was very nice but not particularly spectacular. We stopped at the pool on the way down, but I'm not one for cold water dipping and I had cooled down since the hike up the hill so I was content just to put my feet in. Maybe I should have taken the opportunity for a full body dip 30 minutes earlier!

We got back for lunch, I spent my usual afternoon on the roof reading and then had my massage at 4pm. I mentioned to my masseur Puja that I had a headache so she gave me a little more of a head massage. My calves were feeling particularly tight, but I was gradually allowing myself to relax under her hands.

My evening class was Yin yoga and meditation. I don't know if Anjali saw me doing Hatha and Ashtanga and felt that Yin was what I really needed! Yin is often marketed as relaxing, but my body is so tight that holding a stretch for 3-5 minutes is not a relaxing experience. It is, however, necessary for me. Anjali had some great advice on positioning bolsters, blocks and blankets to give my body the support to invite it to relax into the deep stretches. 

The theme of release carried into the conversation over dinner. People talked about the various therapies they had either experienced or practiced. The group were fascinating to talk to, educated, knowledgeable and open to learning. The company of the group would make this retreat incredibly special.

I definitely needed a good cry, so I retreated to my room and listened to The Sky Above The Rain by Marillion. The original recording of this song never, ever fails to make me cry and this was no exception. I allowed the tears to stream down my face and felt the joy of the emotional release. Tomorrow was my birthday, and they were tears I did not want to carry with me.

India Retreat #1

Monday 2nd February

I'm always quite last minute when it comes to packing. I go away so often that I don't feel that I need to plan and pack and repack in the week leading to a holiday. I also figured that my packing for a yoga retreat would be fairly simple - I didn't need any evening wear, I just needed to throw all my yoga clothes in. I also wanted to travel relatively light to keep room in my case for shopping! Knowing that I was stopping overnight without my main case meant I packed an overnight bag to take as hand luggage.

I had half a plan to catch the 18:35 train to Manchester airport. I finished work at 5pm and I was still faffing a bit when my cleaner Jayne - who usually comes on a Tuesday morning - popped round to do a couple of bits to save her time in the morning, thinking that I would already have gone. She very kindly offered me a lift to the station, which at least gave me a proper deadline to be ready by!

I dialled into a Swarm live coaching call on the train. The Swarm is a year-long speaking mastermind that I joined as part of becoming a public speaker and thought leader in politics. While being in a public space made it difficult to participate, it was a really inspiring session with Brody Lee. When I arrived at Manchester airport, I kept the call running into my earphones while I stomped around the airport, trying to find the Ibis Budget hotel. Apple Maps and the signposts didn't exactly agree, but I eventually navigated through the car parks and around the back of the Holiday Inn.

The room was basic as expected with the cheap option, and it at least would make it easy to get to check in for my 6:30am flight. I could properly join into the call once I was in my room, and when it was done I had a chance to investigate food. The Ibis itself could only offer a frozen pizza for £13, but I could get 15% off at the Holiday Inn which had a proper Turkish restaurant. I had a few tapas style dishes, and couldn't resist a baklava dessert (which was huge!). I increasingly enjoy eating alone and the food was surprisingly good. Returning to my room, I set my alarm for 4am, planning to get up for a quick shower and leave at 4:30am.

Tuesday 3rd February

I slept soundly, but felt I awoke before my alarm until I checked my phone to see what the time was a noticed my alarm had been silently ringing for 20 minutes! I must have turned the ringer volume down, and I don't think I've ever considered that it would affect an alarm that I only use when I'm away from home. I initially cursed, and then felt grateful that I had at least woken up IN time, if not ON time. The shower was quicker than planned and I still managed to leave the room by 4:45am.

Check in and security at Manchester was so quick and easy that I needn't have worried. As I checked in my bag I asked very specifically, "does the bag go all the way through to Dehradun or do I need to collect it?" I was told that it would go all the way. (This will be important later). The security staff are always friendly and helpful even at this early hour, suggesting that I take off my sparkly jumper to save the potential of being searched. It was too early to eat and I didn't need to buy anything so I settled near some screens to read my book and relocated near the gate when it was announced.

My sister bought me Self Compassion by Kristen Neff back in the lockdown Christmas of 2020 and I had recently started to read it. This holiday seemed like a good opportunity to finish the book which delves into the science of self compassion, and references lots of books and theories that I had previously read or come across when I was intently studying the science of happiness. It was good to tune back into that science.

It had been a tough few weeks - a year of self analysis and change. The Chinese year of the Snake had impacted me hard as I shed old layers of who I thought I was, ideas that had been put into my head of being unworthy or unlovable. I had obsessed over relationships and the concept of relationships. 2025 was a year 9 in numerology, the end of a 9 year cycle that had started in 2017, the year after I had left my husband. Cycles were completing, lessons were being learnt. It had been a year of finally reconciling that leaving my husband doesn't make me a bad person. You can tell yourself that over and over, but this was the first time I was really starting to FEEL it. This obsession over love had also been acting as a distraction from getting on with the work I need to do, the work of changing the world. During our call with Brody Lee the night before, I really resonated when he said how people are scared of their own power. I feel that in myself and I see it in society. 

My first flight was to Munich with Lufthansa. The Lufthansa staff were so smart, so efficient, so German! I settled into my aisle seat for take off and I had the most viscerally energetic experience. As the ground fell away, literally at the moment the wheels lifted from the ground, so did my attachment to the things that hold m back. The self doubt. The lack of clarity, The fear of success. It was like the anchoring ropes being cut from a hot air balloon. The energy was indescribable. The plane hit turbulence. I cried and I sighed and it stabilised. I tuned back into the energy and we hit turbulence again.

I stopped because I didn't want the plane to fall out of the sky!

I saw a clear vision of my future and the path towards it. I sat and enjoyed the moment and then turned back to my book for the rest of the flight.

My first priority on arrival at Munich airport was breakfast and my first coffee of the day. I had set my watch to India time to start acclimatising, so I was sort-of pretending it was 2pm already - the early start meant this wasn't difficult! Avocado and eggs on toast was a good start and I mused about how much I loved being in Germany again, even though I was only in the airport. I also realised that I had lost much of my German language knowledge! Whenever I book a trip away, I spend some time on Duolingo to get a sense of the language. I know it will not make me fluent, but it's a great way to build up to a foreign visit. I even did Hindi prior to this retreat! German is my "default" language, the one I do when I don't have anything planned but it had still escaped my brain. Nothing more than "bitte" and "danke" seemed to exist there.

I had two hours between flights, so I wandered round the airport. I fancied more coffee and then fancied a second breakfast of yogurt and muesli. I'm not sure why, I was going to be fed on my next plane journey! Coffee and second breakfast consumed, I headed to the gate for the 11:40 to Mumbai.

I chose an aisle seat in the centre for this leg of the journey, I quite like being able to move in and out of my seat easily on a long journey, and the flight was quiet enough for the middle seat to be empty which meant there was plenty of room. I chatted briefly with a man the other side of the empty seat. The flight was blissfully uneventful. I had a gin and tonic and a glass of wine and enjoyed the airline food which I always do. Getting a meal on a plane is still a novelty to me, I always find the little tray of delights fun. I kept myself occupied with movies; Barbie, Blue Moon and Pink Floyd Live at Pompeii.

Local time at Mumbai when we landed was around midnight. Immigration was fairly simple and didn't seem to take too long. It felt weird not collecting my luggage but I walked through customs and followed the signs to Niranta Hotel. The hotel was inside the airport and was a worthwhile spend of £60 to rest my head and get a shower to start my first full day in India. I double and triple checked that my alarm was correctly set for 5:30am and the volume was up.

I didn't really settle to sleep - despite the long day it was still only around 8pm in the UK. I must have been asleep though, because at 2:30am my WhatsApp started ringing. I ignored it at first, then checked my phone. It showed as Lufthansa. Uh-oh. "You need to collect your luggage, we can't transfer it because this is your first stop in India".

I mean it's obvious really. I should have at least stopped by the carousel to see if it came out. What followed was me running around Mumbai Airport, trying to find where a Lufthansa rep could meet me, the rep having to persuade security to let me back through customs, me then taking my bag through customs, then to the transfer desk only to find that the computers had gone down. I would have to wake up earlier to check my luggage in tomorrow morning...

Wednesday 4th February

I say tomorrow morning, it already felt like tomorrow morning. Back in my hotel room, I was now too awake and too annoyed to go straight back to sleep. I re-arranged my bags a little - having my case meant I could pack more in it and travel lighter in my overnight bag. I changed my alarm to 5am but I didn't get much more than a snooze before I had to be up again. I was very grateful of the shower and change of clothes though, the hotel was definitely a good idea.

When I eventually found departures, I hoped that, given that my luggage already had a tag to Dehradun, I could just drop it off. Nope. I had to join the long, snaking Air India queue. I had two hours until my flight so I wasn't too worried. Just tired and indignant at the extra faff. Security wasn't too time consuming either. Despite knowing I would get breakfast on the plane, I still fancied a Starbucks and muffin (which was bizarrely heated up!) I hadn't been able to get my phone charged in the hotel - I was assured that a European charger would be fine, but neither that nor the USBs seemed to work - so I sat and charged my phone, while I finished the coffee and muffin. The coffee must have been super strong because it hit me really hard! The flight was delayed but I didn't feel in any rush. I waited until not-quite-the-last-minute to head to the gate.

As we walked out to the plane I noted it seemed foggy, but I then realised the brown haze was more smog than fog. It was a 2.5 hour flight and I had paid an extra £3 to guarantee myself a window seat this time. After breakfast I snoozed, waking in time to see us approach the Himalayas. The shadow of the plane was on the ground and we landed to meet it. My flying time was finally over.

I had arranged for Hare Rama Institute to collect me from the airport and found my driver easily. He took my case and I followed him to a car park outside of the airport, about 10 minutes walk away. I don't think he spoke much or very confident English, so I sat in the front of the car, absorbing my first real visuals of India and Rishikesh.

Indian traffic is fascinating. It seems like utter chaos at first - everyone sneaking past anyone at any time, on blind bends, four vehicles wider on a single carriageway road, cars, trucks, buses, tuk-tuks, scooters, motorbikes, pedestrians, cows, dogs. But as I got used to it, you realised that there was just one rule; courtesy. Not driving so fast? Move to the side so you can be overtaken. Coming past? Beep your horn as a warning. It's not chaos, it's hundreds of people moving like a swarm. Instinctively, fluidly, courteously.

We drove through Rishikesh (oddly, I never actually got to visit the town itself), past monkeys, and along roads that looked down to the Ganges. I resisted the urge to take out my mobile for photos and just absorbed the sights, sounds and smells. We got to Tapovan, the town where the Institute is based and it was here I saw some REAL Indian traffic! Up the steep, narrow streets, it appears that it isn't unusual for a digger to stop in the middle of the road and just start digging. My driver had to turn around and take an alternative route but he couldn't get right to the Institute. We stopped at a nearby school and a motorbike was sent to take me the rest of the way. My luggage would follow by foot. Having never been on a motorbike before I was nervous, but Suraj-ji - one of the managers of Hare Rama Institute - assured me he would drive slowly. He was true to his word and within a few minutes we arrived.

I paid the balance of my stay in US dollars and was shown to my room on the second floor. There was filtered water available by the stairwell - I would have to remember to not even brush my teeth with the tap water! I was shown how to heat the water for 10 minutes before taking a shower and left to unpack and decompress. The room was large but the bed was really hard! Once I made myself at home, I lied on the bed for a while listening to the sounds of drums and workmen outside. 

Eventually I felt ready to leave the room and headed up to the rooftop terrace. There I met Emma from Argentina, one of the teacher training students who had arrived about a week earlier. We chatted briefly and I let her continue her studies while I read my book. At 1pm it was lunch time where I met more of the trainee teachers. Some would be staying for a month, some for longer. They came from all over the world - UK, Italy, Austria, Germany, USA and even India! Mealtimes would prove to be incredibly sociable occasions. The food itself was vegan - rice, a veggie stew, a soup / daal, salad and bread. 

I had nothing scheduled apart from my meals on this first day so I braved stepping out into Tapovan with a plan to head downhill to the river. I actually felt incredibly safe and comfortable in the town. It's obviously full of yoga tourists (I'm sure I heard someone call it "yoga Blackpool") and I found it easy to tune into the flow of life and traffic. I looked around at the shops, although I didn't have any rupees to spend yet. I didn't have much of a shopping list but I did want to buy a Lakshmi figurine, the goddess of wealth and abundance. Books, clothes and spices were also on the list. I saw a Lakshmi I really liked but I decided it would be foolish to purchase the first one I saw!

I kept heading downhill until I reached the "beach". That's what it says on Apple Maps, Sachcha Dham Beach. It's actually more like a building site and quarry. I was accosted by a lady who desperately wanted to sell me an offering to the holy river. Despite me insisting no and saying I had no rupees, she forced me into it. And then tried to charge me 100 rupees. I would have gladly paid them (it's about £1), but I didn't have them! 

(Note: You can't import rupees unless you are an Indian resident, you have to buy them there. I knew there was something I should have done during all that time in airports...)

Finally left in peace, I sat and contemplated the river for about an hour. The air was warm, but I was pretty sure the water would not be. I debated whether I would have the opportunity or courage to submerge myself in the river at some point during my retreat. I watched the many white-water rafters speed by and saw a patch on the other side of the river where it seemed many people did bathe.

Walking downhill to the river means walking back uphill to the Institute. I was starting to feel tired from my travelling and lack of sleep. As I came towards the top of the main shopping area, a clothes shop with some light trousers caught my eye. The salesman was good and they took credit cards - it was one of those typical situations where everything is so cheap you end up spending more than you expected! Trousers, two tops, a skirt and a gorgeous silk dress were exchanged for around £60 (and he threw in a scarf of course). 

It really was quite a slog uphill but I found my way back fairly easily. Back in my room I tried on all my new clothes and fell asleep in the dress. I woke up freezing cold about an hour later - once the sun went in the temperature dropped dramatically. Dinner was at 7pm and much the same as lunch. Back in my room I made some notes for this diary, posted my photos on Facebook and set my alarm for 6:30am. I would receive my next-day schedule each evening, and my first day proper would start with Hatha yoga at 7am...